The Cup of Coffee

We all “know things differently.”

When interacting with others, it is important to have an understanding that we all “know things differently”.  This can have a huge impact on how you perceive what a person does, says, or acts. 

I’ve found that the concept of “knowing things differently” has been confusing for many of my clients.  I often get some pretty strange looks when I throw this idea at them.  I’ll simplify it for you in a bit.  But here goes.  If you comprehend everything from an angle of how you know or understand something, you are interpreting things said or done how you would intend them, not how they are intended by the person who did or said them.  You may be offended when the person did not have the intention of offending you.  How we know things as an individual is based on our own environments, how we were brought up, our own experiences with things.  If your experiences with something were positive and happy, you are going to view it differently than someone who may have had negative experiences with it.  I usually have a cup of coffee with me, so this is how I explain it to my clients.

First, I place the cup of coffee in front of them and ask them how they feel about that cup of coffee.  I get some stranger looks at this point, but some of them will say “I don’t like coffee”.  Some shrug and keep looking at me funny, wondering how I managed to become a therapist.  Others say they like coffee.  Think of it this way; when I look at the cup of coffee, I’m generally reminded of nice stuff: Weekend mornings before the noisier members of the household get up.  The early morning sun.  Quiet.  Chilling out with my dogs.  Holding onto a nice warm cup of coffee as I watch my doggos do doggo stuff in the crisp morning air of the fall. 

Coffee brings good feelings to me.  When I look at that cup, I have warm nice feelings.

Now, let’s think about how, let’s say, a truck driver may view the cup of coffee.  He may not see the same cup of coffee the same as I do.  He’s instantly reminded of long lonely nights on the open road, running behind schedule, trying to make up time.  Ulcers.  Nasty truck stop coffee.  (There is a big difference between Starbucks and truck stop coffee.  Starbucks tastes good.  It’s meant to be enjoyed.  Truck stop coffee, nope.  It does two things; keeps you awake and doubles as paint stripper.)  It’s some nasty stuff.  You can add some creamer and some sugar and make it palatable, but not “crisp fall morning with the doggos” enjoyable.

  When the truck driver looks at the same cup, it brings back not so great emotions for him due to his personal experiences with it.  He’s looking at it from another angle than me.

This can be applied to most anything.  One style of music may remind you of a crowd you didn’t care for, where that music reminds someone else of good times.  Maybe one person sees going out and cutting firewood as relaxing, it reminds him of casual trips into the woods with his grandfather so they could have a cozy fire in the fireplace at family get togethers around the holidays.  Another person is reminded of long hot days, collecting truck load after truck load, tired, sweaty, hot, with sawdust sticking to them.  Their father, grumpy as hell, constantly yelling at them to hustle up.  They had to get a certain amount to get them through the winter.  They also had to get extra to sell to the tourists coming in during camping season to bring in some extra cash to cover medical expenses for their sick mother.  Firewood wasn’t quality time with gramps for them that ended in a cozy Christmas Eve sipping hot coco around the fire with the family, it was endless evenings of hard hot work with an overworked father who was constantly riding them to work faster.

We all know things differently.